Mission Report 024


AAA LLC. Headquarters
First Investigation Group (A)
Office of the Operations Officer

Day 331

SUBJECT: Narrative Report of Operations, 1st Investigation Group.
MISSION #024, Codename: The Piano Incident (Rank D)
STATUS: Success

      Lt. Cmdr. Ersatz, Commanding, MVP
      Joel, MVP

Investigate the assassination attempt.


0. Team reported for duty, but when presented with mission offerings, voiced concerns about being unprepared or underprepared for all of them. Consensus could not be reached.

1. The impasse was broken when the resident lobby pianist drone, who had played the corporate theme nonstop and without issue for the better part of the last year, revealed his concealed miniguns and opened fire upon Jade. Caught unprepared, Joel drew his weapon and armor, Zorn distracted the attacker, Ersatz retargeted the drone to fire at him to no effect, and Jade downed the enemy. Ersatz called that the responsible party was obviously the League based on circumstantial evidence. Investigation revealed the drone had been hijacked by a device concealed within the piano, and rewinding the tapes revealed the device must have shipped with the piano.

2. The team placed a phone call to the delivery company (Argos), but the automated systems were less than helpful, only revealing tracking information and that Bart had ordered the piano. When the team questioned Bart, he denied gifting AAA LLC the piano, and stated he actually had a strong aversion to pianos (presumably due to a piano incident in early childhood). With their injuries treated, and additional neck braces and splints in place to ham up their received damage, the team went to Argos’ local headquarters in person (instead of proceeding with the alternative plan of abducting the delivery man and interrogating him).

3. Joel relayed the significance of the financial liability implications of Argos facilitating an assassination ring through their distribution network very convincingly to the reception staff, for which he is awarded a sub-commendation. The team’s complaint was escalated, and a short while later, a group of men in suits and shades came by to pick up Joel for a meeting with an executive. Joel relayed his position and the stated nature of the meeting to our corporate office as a hedge should he mysteriously vanish or turn up dead, and the rest of the team managed to talk their way into the meeting along with him.

4. In the meeting, the team offered their help in investigating or dealing with this matter in exchange for payment and the information they would need to track down their wannabe killers. Bart was summoned and cross-examined, and the team explained the likely cause for this whole ordeal was that C.U.R.E. had sub-contracted killers to assassinate them, and they hoped to render them unable to do so through means lethal or otherwise. This offer was accepted, and they were given the single lead from Argos’ data: the order had been routed from an Eternity Investing and Banking Account that was not Bart’s. The team set off to the local Eternity bank branch.

5. The team reported the activity they were investigating as a probable security breach to the staff at the bank. After investigation, the bank confirmed this, and gave them the information that the hacker’s signal had originated from Alabaster 3. The team boarded the Flying Taxman for Alabaster 3, and arrived shortly thereafter.

6. The team arrived at the origination site, an abandoned and boarded up broadcast tower. They infiltrated the squalid building, and made their way upstairs, avoiding patrolling Roomba drones. It became quite apparent someone was in residence. As the team ascended, they met with greater security measures, and triggered some of them. Between Jade’s dim the lights grenades and Ersatz’ tactical distractions using soda cans (for which he is awarded a full commendation), the team managed to make it to the topmost floor safely, but an alarm was raised. On the final floor, the team managed to make it past a gauntlet of (cheap and somewhat ineffective) turrets by using Zorn’s distraction drones as cover. Behind the hall of turrets was a door. The team knocked, announced themselves as housekeeping, and opened the door.

7. Inside, they found the signal’s source, a hacker attended by his two (2) maidu drones. Ersatz tried threatening, bargaining, and pleading with him to get information about the team’s would-be assassins to no avail, but did get mind raped (disproving the adage that nobody hacks him) for his efforts. Joel found much more success due to a pre-existing connection with the hacker (callsign Hermit), and the team escaped the depressurizing (due to aforementioned threatening with orbital bombardment) area of Alabaster 3 aboard their shuttle.

8. Hermit was not allowed aboard the ship, and was transported to Alabaster 1 aboard the shuttle. The rest of the team followed, and the group reconvened with Argos’ middle level leadership. They explained that Hermit had been responsible for the shipping misadventure, but was only acting at the behest of the League, who the team had failed to make inroads on locating or counter-assassinating. Hermit agreed to address the company’s security vulnerabilities for a fee. Satisfied with this conclusion, Argos paid the team for their services. The team put whether or not to turn Hermit in to Eternity bank to a vote, and it was resolved that they would not report him, in exchange for his services in the future.

9. The team returned to headquarters to report the same day. The piano in the lobby remains operational, although unstaffed. This report was filed the following day.

Met People Of Interest:

      Neville Goldsman (Delivery Staff) (Not particularly interesting)
      Clarissa (Argos Reception) (Not particularly interesting)


+3 spare time points
+2/3 resource

+1 squid transport
+the hermit’s intel (location of C.U.R.E.’s command center on Eden, comms from the league about this transaction)


Due to agreements with Argos and Eternity, the text of this report has been redacted. While it is permitted to mention the piano incident, elaborating further is against AAA LLC’s policy.
I realize Jade’s music and art isn’t that popular, but I never imagined someone would try to kill her over it.

- REDACTED (Corporate Analyst)

“Kill two birds with one stone.” – Joel
“Space birds.” – Zorn
“One scone.” – Ersatz
" ♪ Poisoning pigeons in the park! ♪ " – Jade and Ersatz

“If you bet against a company and then bomb them, there’s nothing illegal about the bet.” – Joel

“I know, you can’t eat a piano” – Ersatz, on the fact that a piano was unlikely to be ordered by Bart.

“It’s a good thing Zorn ate all the refreshments, or he might not be able to fit out the door.” – Jade, on Bart.

“You were trying to put them in sleep mode, but it looks like you put them in sweep mode.” – Jade, on Ersatz failing to put the security roombas to sleep.
“I knew there was a typo!” – Ersatz

“You nuke people from space to get their attention!” – Jade, to Ersatz

Mission Report 024

Alabaster Acquisition Associates, LLC gabriel_violette